Yes, I am a crazy wife.

December 27, 2008 acrazywife

I have started this blog as therapy for myself. If anyone gleans from it or can relate to my life, then that is a bonus. I welcome your comments if you can relate. I welcome your encouragement if you have a ”success story,” although I can’t relate to you yet.

I am 37 years old and I have 3 children, all boys, being raised by me and their alcoholic father. We are trying to be a christian family and I am trying my best to raise them right. I homeschool them and we have a huge network of friends and support for that. We live in a small town away from any big city civilization and I don’t have any friends that I can honestly share the truth of my life with for fear of being cast out. I don’t think anyone would purposefully be mean, but you know how it is, they would distance themselves from me if they knew the trauma of our life behind the pretty picture I feel I have to paint to fit in. I know the truth of the matter is that everyone I know has drama/trauma, but just like religion and politics, you just don’t discuss it. I do have one girlfriend that I let in a little bit, but even she doesn’t know the whole truth. My mother knows the truth, but that isn’t the same.

I hope for this blog to be a refuge and a place I can safely, anonymously vent about my marriage to an alcoholic who won’t/can’t stop drinking. I believe he wants to stop, but until he can swallow his pride and seek help from AA I don’t believe it is possible. He has quit for short spurts, but I have long ago given up the fantasy that he will stop for longer than 4 or 5 weeks. That is as long as he can go on his own will power. I know lots of people in the cyber world have great disdain for AA, mainly because it seems to be a “christian” program, but I find that kind of interesting. As someone who grew up in an alcoholic home- drunk 12 years and sober with “the program” the rest of the time until he passed away- I can say that I didn’t find it especially christian. In fact, millions of christians prefer christian recovery programs like “Celebrate Recovery” because in AA/Al-anon you really aren’t supposed to discuss Christ or the Bible. So many people think the mere mention of the word “God” automatically means christian. So wrong, so wrong. Anyway, that is another soapbox. My point is that I have seen AA work for my father and my mother (Al-anon for her) and for those that truly desire recovery and are willing to surrender to a power greater than themselves it will work. I know without a doubt that my husband needs AA. That is the only thing that will help him stay sober after he quits of his own free will. AA and the power of God helped my father transform to a sober person, a rational person, a fun to be around person and I know that underneath the beer and the anger that my husband is all those things.

We are a “christian” family, meaning me and the kids and dear alcoholic husband plays along. He HAS come a long way from not believing in God at all to actually attending church with us sporadically. He even asked for a Bible several years ago and I catch him reading it from time to time. So, while AA isn’t a christian program, it is spiritual. Combining that with my first hand experience of it working for my childhood family, I guess that is why I desire my husband to get help from AA. I realize other people out there don’t do the God thing and that is their choice, so please no comments about ours unless it is to support that choice.

I say I am a “crazy wife” because usually in an alcoholic family the non alcoholic spouse is the one that everyone thinks is crazy and I feel crazy a lot. I grew up in an alcholic home and while there was fear of my alcoholic father, it is my mother that acted pyscho. That is how it is often in our home. I get angry with the drunk and I fly off the handle so it must be me with the problem right?

Wrong. Well, not entirely. I do have a problem. I am married to it. I knew he was a drinker when I married him, but I was blinded by “love” and how sweet he was to me and my 3 year old son (who is now almost 18). As the years have gone by I see that I was a fool to have married someone I was not equally yoked with. I believe he loves us in the ways he knows how, but he has an addiction that he loves more. I realize he has an addiction and he isn’t choosing alcohol on purpose (most of the time), but it is still very difficult to live with even knowing he has a sickness. Most of the time I hate him. I actually only hate the drunk him, the sober him I love and could spend hours with peacefully. I battle with concept of “illness or sickness” versus “weakness or ‘just a jerk’” It is so hard to have compassion for him when he acts so ugly and hateful while drunk. Before he starts drinking he is pretty funny and fun, but as the days hours wear on it becomes extremely unpleasant and we all have to walk on eggshells for fear of setting him off.

To top off the alcholism my husband apparently has some sort of sleep disorder (or maybe not) because when he drinks he “sleep walks and talks” and does/says crazy things that he can’t remember. If you engage him and he wakes up he feels justified in his verbal and physical attacks/threats against you. Last night my 12 year old son pulled a kitchen knife on him because he “woke up” talking crazy and yelling at my son. He was home alone with his father and got cornered by him in the kitchen so he felt he had no other defense. One would think that a grown man, a father, could take this as a wake up call no? No. He is irate about the knife episode and I agree my son could have just left the house instead of pulling the knife, but in his child mind he had no other option at the moment. He did put the knife down when my drunk sleeping crazed husband told him to “go ahead, stick me.” My son fled up the stairs and jumped out of the second story window onto the lawn and ran to his grandmothers’ (my mother) who lives on the street behind us. Isn’t that great? What a family!! I am so angry and raw about this and I feel terrible for my kid and I want to pummel my husband. I believe my son’s story 100% (because I have BTDT with my husband) and my husband (the lying alcoholic he is) is angry at me because I don’t believe HIM. I have NO reason to believe this man! I live with him, I know him, I know the drunk look, smell, sound and behavior. I am not stupid. I know my drunk husband and he is in denial about all his behavior except when he REALLY screws up. Like 4 months ago when he got pulled over for drunk driving. That is the last thing that “scared him sober” for 4 weeks. I mean, I believe he was determined and scared, but that only motivates for so long. As the memory fades, the denial and justification becomes so much easier.

So this morning I had to take the same son to meet his scout troop for a 4 day campout. Nice huh? He gets to leave on that note with his father. My baby is a worry wart too. I prayed for him and I told him to not worry and go and just have fun. He is worried about me and his brothers being treated bad and even told me where he has his stash of pocket knives etc. I told him I wouldn’t need them and reassured him that I could handle his father. A 12 year old boy shouldn’t have to worry about these things. A 12 year old boy shouldn’t feel he has to pull a knife on his father. His father shouldn’t be swearing at him, calling him vile names and threatening him. Conveniently, my husband never remembers these episodes and accuses us of lying most of the time. The only time we have any peace in this house is when my husband goes to work. I love when he comes home so late that all he can do is drop into bed. Before anyone thinks he actually works late, let me just say he has co-losers at work that he hangs with and they all drink together after work. Then he DRIVES home.

Yep, I am the crazy one. I must be.

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3 Comments Add your own

1. tiredwife | January 5, 2009 at 12:19 am

As someone in a similar boat, I sympathize with your situation and your children. Sometimes I wonder what I would be, if I didn’t still have the hope that my husband would see the light.

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2. Dina | January 6, 2009 at 5:40 pm

Dont let him make you think you are crazy by telling you that what you hear or see are lies. I have lived that way for 18 years and finally had to leave and get out. Its been 2 months now. I admire you for sticking by him. I will keep you in my prayers that this time it works. No one deserves to live that way.

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3. survivingrose | February 18, 2010 at 8:25 pm

Thank you for starting this blog. It helps to read what other people are going through just to know that you are not alone. I’m going through a very similar situation. God bless you, I’ll include you in my prayers.

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