Still Sober

February 23, 2010 acrazywife

Wow, it has been a long time since I last posted.  I almost forgot I started this blog.  I started it at a very desperate time when things were going to crap with my family. 

First of all, my husband is still sober. It has been over a year.  2009 was the best year of my marriage to date.  My prayers to God were answered. I prayed for 13 years.  At first my prayers were for him to “stop drinking” and later after meeting a woman (who ironically also prayed for 13 years for her husband) who told me to pray that his “desire to drink” would be removed and not to just stop drinking.  So I did that for many years.  When I started this blog it was for me to vent….because I HATED my husband.  Just him walking into a room made me want to kill him.  He made us all miserable.

So, at the time I made the last post he had just quit.  He finally realized that he was screwed up and that we all hated his guts.  His run ins with the law helped him realize he could lose everything he cared about.  He would always say to me, “You knew I drank when you married me.” or “My drinking doesn’t affect anyone, you’re crazy.”  Hence the blog name.

So, it is 14 months sober and you know what he said about 4 months in??  I asked him if it was hard for him not to drink and he said, “Nope, it’s weird, I don’t even have the desire to drink anymore.”  WOW!!  I am a woman of faith and that just almost knocked me over.  I was angry at God for so many years and I had heard before that everything happens in God’s timing and not our own.  I truly believe we had to go through all the crap to get to where we are.

So, where are we?  I can count on one hand how many “disagreements” or arguments we have had the last 14 months.  Our finances are better because he isn’t buying beer on a daily basis like before.  My 13 yo son just about 2 weeks ago told me in conversation that he actually likes his Dad now.  My husband has had a complete turn around.  He and I have “dates,” he goes to church with us, he takes the boys fishing, he takes pride in our home now too. 

It’s not “perfect” but it is so much better than the drunken days that it might as well be perfect.  I continue to pray for our family and thank God for every blessing.  My husband has always been a good man, but the alcohol buried him alive for many years.  I thought for several years that he might never stop drinking and that I would kill him.  I can’t explain easily why I hated him so much, but alcohol truly is an evil thing in my mind and the title of my blog is appropriate….it did make me crazy and I wasn’t even the one drinking.

Just recently my husband bought a shotgun for he and one of my boys to go shoot clays.  When he approached me about buying it my immediate answer was “hell no.”  This irrational fear came over me and old tapes were playing in my head.  We are in Texas and my son has been through gun safefty, been shooting with friends and with Boy Scouts.  The gun has a trigger lock and is stored in a separate place than the ammo.  Also, only me and my husband know the locations.  I am all for the right to bear arms too so I wasn’t against it for any of those reasons. 

He pressed me for why I was against it and I told him that I didn’t think he would ever drink again, but if he did it wouldn’t be safe to have a gun.  He was kind of offended and said he never even thinks about drinking and then he qualified it by saying that even if he was drunker than drunk he would never shoot me.  At that point I started laughing and he was pretty surprised by my reaction and just stared at me like I was crazy.  I then told him I wasn’t worried about him shooting me, but that I would shoot HIM.  I know it sounds sick and CRAZY, but so many times the anger and hatred at him and his damn Coors Light beer cans laying around did make me insane and if there had been a gun I might have used it.   Now you know why my blog is titled “A Crazy Wife.” 

I pray for those of you out there whose husbands still drink and I don’t really have any advice except to pray.  Also, in hindsight, I should have made more efforts to attend Al-anon so that I could take the focus off my husband and on to me.  Perhaps then I wouldn’t have always felt so angry and homicidal.  I pray that your husbands lose their desire to drink and that your families can begin healing.

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